I have never used this journal thingy before... but nothing ventured.... and all that.

My art is taking a new direction. I am not really sure what it is doing, but it is definitely changing. I have been struggling to keep getting better at color, composition, blending... you name it. But in my quest to be a better artist, I have found that I am not as spontaneous as I was before. Now when I think about my next painting, I find myself thinking about what I could paint that I could show off my new skills to myself, instead of trying to say something through my art. Through this process, my paintings have degenerated to some degree, even though I may be painting them a bit better.

What a crossroads to be at. Do I continue to thrive to be better at the expense of what my art has to say? OF course, this is all an internal problem. I tend to focus all of my attention on one thing. Why does it have to be either painting better, or a better painting? Because that is how I am. Single minded, and intense about things. And oh so insecure! I never used to give the "how-to's" of a painting much thought. I would have a feeling or a memory that I wanted to put on canvas and away I would go. But then the paintings began getting attention, and I began looking at them harder with every complement that came my way. I didnt believe any ones kind words, and so then began dissecting every little thing in the painting that was wrong, or not as good as I wanted it to be (technically speaking of course). And that is where my problem began. Feeling like I had to live up to what people thought I could do, even though I knew I couldnt. So, my focus fell from my original goals onto trying to find a new way to paint a shadow.

I do realize as I write this that I need to relax and enjoy the process. That it is okay to explore new ideas and ways of painting without feeling like I will let everyone, including myself, down, if I dont paint it better, or if I stray a bit from what I am accustomed to. God, I am my harshest critic. Will I ever do a painting that I feel like is good? I sometimes think to myself.. "When I can paint as well as so and so I will have made it, I will finally be happy!" As I think about it now, I doubt I will ever be able to stop trying harder to be better. It is sheer torment. I feel how I struggle now, and there is plenty of room for improvement. I can only imagine the turmoil 10 years down the road when I DO paint as well as so and so, and am still unhappy, dissatisfied, and striving to paint as well as the next artist that I am enamoured with!

The creative process is the most wonderful gift that I could have been born with. But with it comes a hell that only we creative types can understand. It is like an anorexic trying to get thinner and thinner, never noticing the skeletal appearance that they carry...just striving to lose ONE MORE POUND! It is the same with art. I think I sometimes overlook the progress that I am making in the quest to reach my current idea of perfection.

I need to slow down... spend some time with my paintings... appreciate the growth that has taken place over the last 2 1/2 years.. and give myself a break! Will I be able to do this??? haha... I somehow doubt it!